Enrique is My Name

The mind is the scariest place. We think, we dream, but do we really understand it all? Moreover, are we obligated to understand it all? I ask myself: “Do I really know who I am? It is kind of scary to come up with no clear answer, because while you think you know yourself completely, to be able to have confidence in you, to be totally positive about who you are and will become, is one of the hardest thing to do.
We tell ourselves everyday we can accomplish whatever we set out to do. We can do it! There is nothing stopping us. But if you look into your future, really, really look, what you find there is nothing more than uncertainties, because we are not truly able to foresee that far ahead. And we fall into what I call an imaginary idea of what it will be like, as nothing is certain in this life.
I say this, because thinking about myself, questions like; what am I really capable of? And, Would I be able to achieve what I want? Pop into my brain, and sometimes I find a positive answer, but other times I wonder endlessly. I know, I know it all has to do with how you feel at the moment. Like if you are down, sad, lonely, or on the contrary, cheerful and happy. But, I try to be impartial with my feelings, and really think about it. It’s just one of those many “thoughts” I have while at work. So here is a question; Are we really who we think we are? Everybody says they don’t pretend to be somebody they are not. But I can’t help questioning that.

As I thought about all these things, I remembered a scene from My So-Called Life, and this brings me to my song of the day; “Late At Night”, by Buffalo Tom.
In My So-Called Life’s episode “Self-Esteem” these questions arise in a subtle way, and of course, they are answered. Ricky (Angela’s gay friend) gets upset after his English professor calls him by his full name, Enrique; he is afraid to be bullied by his classmates, possible because of his background. Angela is having relationship problems with Jordan, the boy she is in love with; he does not want to officially call her his girl because he must keep an appearance in front of his friends. She is not “cool” enough. And at the same time, Angela pretends to be OK with this in front of her friends.

Before this scene, there is an incident where Jordan is at a bar playing pool with his friends, and Buffalo Tom (the rock band) is playing in the background “Late At Night”. Angela is also there, she walks over to him and says hello, but he dismisses her out of hand. Angela leaves, obviously upset. Then Ryan, -bless her- goes in her defense and tells Jordan: “You know you like her, would it kill you to admit it, maybe treat her half way decent… because you know, she deserves it, and she is not going to wait around for you for ever.” Jordan is shaken by Ryan’s words but tries not to show it. So here is the clip of what happens the next day at school:

In case the video -one day- stops working, I will describe the scene: The next day at school Ricky is being scolded by his English professor. Ricky has talent as an actor, and the professor wants him to join the drama club but Ricky refuses, the professor then makes a clever remark  -also, an answer to one of the questions- he tells Ricky to not let the fact that his professor is a dork stop him from fulfilling his potential; Ricky gets angry when the professor -once again- calls him by his full name. After a short pause between them, the professor says: “When I was in high school, I hated my name… I hated it.” Ricky replies with annoyance: “I don’t-hate my name… I… I just…”  the professor cuts him short: “Good, I’m really glad… no-nobody should… hate who they are…” -our other answer.  After the professor leaves, Ricky goes over to the signing list for the drama club, and writes down two words; Enrique Vasquez. This is where the song, “Late At Night” kicks in again and Jordan is seen in the distance, walking towards his locker. Ryan smiles after witnessing the whole Ricky-teacher-scenario, and joins Angela, and Ricky that are hanging by the their lockers. Jordan and Angela, both stare at each other, then he walks over to her and asks if they can go somewhere. Angela says yes, and goes after him. Then Jordan does something nobody expects; he grabs her hand as they are walking in the hallway, in front of all their friends.

Still after watching this clip, I have no answer to my question; “Are we really who we think we are?” I believe we unconsciously pretend for the sake of being accepted, and when somebody acts like they have nothing to lose, I think is more of a tactic to protect whats really precious inside them. I’m not absolutely sure, but, for the sake of having a concrete answer I will say: “Enrique” is my name.

Here is the complete song.

Lyrics

I close my door at night
But they get in all right
And she turns on the light

I held her hands so tight
‘Cause words don’t come out right
And she sees things at night

Me, I’m closer to the door
I don’t get scared no more
But I don’t know the score

If I could hold them in my hand
I’d make them understand
I’m not a haunted mind
I’m not a thoughtless kind

If I could put them in a jar
I know they wouldn’t scar
I’d do it if I could
I hope you know I would

I close my door at night
But she gets in all right
So I turn on the light

I held her hand too tight
Too hard to make it right
So I could sleep at night

If I could hold them in my hand
I’d make them understand
I’m not a haunted mind
I’m not a thoughtless kind

If I could put them in a jar
I know they wouldn’t scar
I’d do it if I could
I hope you know I would

I’d do it if I could
I hope you know I would
I’d do it if I could
I hope you know I would
I’d do it if I could
I hope you know I would
I’d do it if I could
I hope you know I would

I got the lyrics from; http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Late-At-Night-lyrics-Buffalo-Tom/54BB373E698EAFBB48256C44001E6BFC